Confessional Number One
Most nights when I lay down, I look at the ceiling and I ask to myself “What would I lose if my heart stopped beating tonight?”. Usually I can only come up with one answer: nothing.
Some nights I lay down and I set a task to myself: no to wake up alive the following morning. Useless effort. Death, unfortunately, can not be achieved by will. She is the one to come to us, not the opposite. It doesn’t matter how much we suffer. If our hearts are to keep beating, they will — and if our mind are to remain restless, they will.
Today I looked at the ceiling and I saw no reason to keep living. I saw no reason to die, either. I remain there, looking until I finally fell asleep.